My spouse sneaks off to smoke cigarettes. I know they’re trying to quit but whenever I confront them they lie about it. What should I do?
In my opinion, there is NO place in relationship for lies! When you allow even the little lies to go unchecked, how do you know what other truths are being withheld from you? I’ve heard it said that whenever you are in a relationship where you are being lied to, your whole relationship is a lie. If lying is a problem in your relationship, think carefully about that statement because it carries a deeper truth…
Moving on from Joan’s pontificating…if your partner doesn’t feel safe telling you the truth about relatively innocuous things, they are more likely going to lie to you to avoid conflict. Be clear about your feelings on lying and try to get your spouse to agree to never lie to you, even if they sometimes need to “plead the fifth”!
If your agreement does allow for his answer to your questioning to be “no answer”, you have to leave it at that. No badgering, cajoling or whining for more information or fessing up. There will come another time to discuss the issue.
A word on smoking: quitting smoking is said to be as difficult an addiction to break as heroin. If your spouse is trying to quit take a page from the Al-Anon book on how to “confront” with care, concern and kindness. Express your concerns from you heart and you are more likely to be heard.
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- How can you support your spouse’s efforts to quit smoking in a way that doesn’t cause friction between the two of you
- What can you do to minimize the distress this habit causes you?
- In what ways can you recognize and accept that you have no control over this?
- What personal values do you have regarding lying in relationships?
- How can you bring your values into alignment in this relationship?
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