Everyday I get up and tell myself, “today is the day. Today is the day that I start my diet.” And what happens? Oh, I don’t know… HALLOWEEN?! I want to be hot, but damn if chocolate didn’t taste so much better.

I have been a chocoholic my whole life, consuming anything from Hershey’s to Mr. Goodbars, but there are some candies that I just can’t stomach.

1. Tootsie Rolls. These devilish contraptions literally make my stomach hurt even at the smell. It make me cringe thinking about that dreaded scent. I don’t know what it was that happened even! I assume that my father just beat the ever loving crap out of my in my toddler days with a Tootsie Pop. I have a feeling that I sat on one in my dad’s car which had hot leather seats and it melted and the scent has haunted me since.
2. 3 Musketeers. Why do these even exist? Whenever I sink my teeth into one, I feel like I’m a) sinking my teeth into flesh and b) like I’m eating a diet bar. When I eat chocolate, I ain’t here to mess around. Either poop or get off the pot, ya know what I mean?
3. Dark chocolate anything. Again. There are diet foods, and then there’s chocolate. When you try mixing the two, it makes my heart, my head and my stomach hurt. Don’t do that to a playa.
4. Skittles. I really don’t have a good legitimate reason for hating these beloved candies of so many people. It probably comes down to trust issues. When you eat Skittles in a place like the movie theater, you don’t know if you’re about to dive into delicious red or something totally nasty like lemon. Don’t even waste my time with your lemon candies. What are you? 80? I’d rather take a Werther’s Original.

I know. I sound super picky. But it comes with the territory. In order to be the best, you have to eat the best. Or something like that.