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Marriage of 30 Years and No Sex?

Joan JerkovichNovember 10, 2014

29 yrs. ago after our 1st child my husband did not have sex with me until 5 months after her birth. Since then only on vacations 3 to 4 times a year. This drove me to a very deep depression & I gained 80 pounds.

Now, I have learned to turn off my sex drive and I no longer find him attractive, which is something new. But, it helps me take control of my feelings. No more crying.

Now, everyone is telling him he had better fix his marriage, and all of a sudden after 30 yrs. he wants to sit down and talk about things.

Can I put a hidden microphone on you and listen in? I’d love to hear what your husband has to say!

It would be interesting to hear the tale of 30 years of no sex! What are his reasons? Excuses? How does that happen? Is he depressed, asexual or gay? Is this a result of prescription drug use, or illicit drug abuse? Where’s Sherlock Holmes when we need him?

All silliness aside, this is a very distressing thing for you to have lived with (or should I say, lived without) for all these years. Women I’ve talked to whose husbands don’t want to have sex with them talk about how this makes them feel like there’s something wrong with them. It makes them question their femininity and attractiveness. It’s a real head-trip and I’m not surprised at all to hear this drove you to a depression.

After all, I’m guessing that you didn’t sign on for this when you signed your marriage certificate. You were expecting, as were the men who have wives who won’t have sex with them, carnal delights more than 3-4 times per year. For your information, a marriage with sex only once per month is considered sexless. Yours is running in the negative.

Don’t be hard on yourself. You did what you had to do to survive this sexless marriage without turning to adultery. You squelched your sex drive and internalized your sadness, anger and frustration.

If I have any advice for you, first I would say that it’s not too late to reclaim that sexy siren you thought you’d lost. Stick your nose in to the novel “50 Shades of Grey”. Skim past the story and get to the sex scenes. Arrange a date night with “Bob” (Bob a.k.a your vibrator), and show your sexy curves some love! If your husband won’t make love to you, you can make love to yourself. Don’t think this is silly, because I’ve heard of married women who’ve survived with just this scenario when their husbands are what I call “duds”.

Second, sit down with your husband and hear what he has to say. Maybe he is motivated to spark up your love life since it sounds like he’s on the verge of losing you? If he’s motivated, this puts you in a position to ask for what you want. Get clear on whether or not you even want a sex life with him again. If you do, let him know what your needs and wishes are and see if the two of you can negotiate a plan for gettin’ jiggy. If that doesn’t work out, go to step three.

Third, as this has gone on for 30 years, the issues run deep and I suggest that you find a counselor who specializes in sexless marriages.

When I read your story about how you buried your natural sexual drive, it makes me wonder what would happen if you reclaimed that sensual part of yourself. Whoa nelly! Watch out! It may release your inner Mae West, who said, “Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” (you young’uns who don’t know who Mae West is…google it!)

Embrace your Personal Power with Life Coaching~
• Do you want to rekindle your sexual relationship with your husband?
• Does it seem reasonable to re-ignite your sexuality regardless of whether or not he’s interested?
• Would you consider counseling just for yourself if he doesn’t want to go?

Joan Jerkovich, BCC Board Certified Life Coach

Joan Jerkovich, BCC
Board Certified Life Coach

The Joan Jerkovich Show
News Radio 1150 KSAL
Saturdays @ 6:00 am CST
Podcast posts to Mondays

Click HERE to anonymously send Joan your question!


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