Many years ago my brother was murdered, in what we suspect, was a drug deal gone bad. The police ended up finding his killer and he’s been in jail without parole since. Everyday I think of my brother and what he would say to me if he were alive.
I’m still mad at him for putting himself in such bad circumstances. I don’t know what he was thinking. It was so dangerous doing what he was. I feel an emptiness without him here.
Why am I still so angry after all this time?
We are always angriest with the people we love the most. You loved your brother. It’s understandable that you feel angry with him for his part in ending his life, an ending that took him away from you.
It’s good that you’re allowing yourself to feel these feelings of anger and emptiness. It reminds me of that saying, “the only way out is through.”
Sometimes the way to move beyond painful emotions is to dive deeper in to them. Allow them to resurface and move you toward healing.
What you’re experiencing is the resurgence of a smoldering emotional pain. The pain of losing your brother that you have probably covered over with a degree of denial, so that you didn’t have to re-live the acute pain of your loss and grief that you first felt when he died.
Often, we like to avoid emotional pain. Yet, just as a broken bone can take months and years to heal, painful emotions also need time to resolve; and just like the broken bone, a break in our emotional countenance will take time to heal.
Many persons find physical pain and suffering easier to cope with than emotional pain. In order to tamp down emotional pain they might hold on to their anger. You may find it easier to feel angry toward your brother than feel the deep sadness over his untimely death.
Try to think of your emotional pain in the same light as a painful physical malady. Both take time to heal. Some may never fully heal, and you will never be made whole from the loss of your brother.
You will always experience a degree of sadness and grief, but by “leaning in to it” and working through your feelings, your anger and sadness will lessen and become more manageable.
Consider working with a grief counselor on this, and be prepared to accept that while your emotions may limp along for a while, in time, you will be able to throw away the crutches.
Embrace your Personal Power with Life Coaching~
• What do you think lies behind your anger?
• Is there a way to fill your feeling of emptiness?
• What do you think will help you process your feelings of anger and grief?
Listen to “The Joan Jerkovich Show” this weekend where my caller shares how she went to prison for murder. “Who” she murdered was a shocker…I almost fell off my chair in the radio studio…so listen in to her story!
Joan Jerkovich, BCC
Board Certified Life Coach
