Mom-zilla, Mother of the Bride?
Joan Jerkovich - September 10, 2014 10:40 am
My mother is making me so angry because she is trying to make my wedding her own. I’ve told her that my fiancé and I are wanting to make the plans ourselves. We’re both established professionals and are paying for the wedding since I’ve been married before. With the help of a wedding planner, things are coming together nicely.
Our biggest problem has become that my mother keeps trying to meddle and stick her nose in to our plans when she has been clearly asked to let us do this ourselves. She even went so far as to call my wedding planner behind my back, telling her that I gave her permission to call and release to her the guest list. When I heard this from the wedding planner I was also told that my mother instructed the wedding planner to hand out the wedding favors she made for the guests. This was not in our plans at all.
I got so mad at my mom I confronted her. We were both angry, each of us trying to hold our own ground, and she made the comment that she may not come to my wedding. Even though I know she will be there, her controlling personality won’t let her stay away, I’m so fed up with her right now I’m avoiding talking to her. We’re usually really close and this makes me feel bad. It’s a stress I don’t need before our happy day, so how can I make this less stressful for all of us?
You have a real mom-zilla on your hands. I agree with you. Your mom needs to butt out. This is your wedding and not hers, and especially when she is not paying for the festivities, the planning needs to be left to you and your fiancé.
Your mother seems to be wanting to live her glory days through you. I wouldn’t be surprised if while planning your wedding your mother keeps bringing up “her” wedding, and “her” bridal shower?
I’m sure that by now you’ve let your wedding planner know that your mother is not making any of the decisions; that she didn’t have your permission to release the guest list; and that you didn’t know anything about the guest favors your mother made. Sadly, your mother resorted to lying to get what she wanted, but I’m guessing you’ve seen that behavior from her before.
Understandably, you are pulling back from your mother and avoiding her. You’re doing your best to set boundaries with her even when she doesn’t respect your wishes. There are no easy solutions to diminish your stress over this because you aren’t going to change your mother just in time for your wedding.
Give yourself permission to spend time in de-stressing activities. Book them in to your daily planner. Recognize that you have to accept your mother for who she is and do your best to work around her personality quirks. Show respect for her, but also show respect for yourself by holding firm to the boundaries you set. Some times all you can do is make the best of a difficult situation. Come up with a calming mantra or saying will help you de-stress, not get angry, and accept that this is just who your mother is.
Let you fiancé help you decide what you can do to keep your mother feeling like she’s involved but not taking over the planning. Maybe she can plan your bridal shower, but the wedding planning is off-limits? Maybe she can hand out her wedding favors at the rehearsal dinner instead of the wedding? Compromise and negotiate your way through this. But, if the two of you decide that you only want her showing up on the big day in her sparkling new dress, hold her to that. It’s your big day and she has no choice but to accept that you’re doing it your way, not hers.
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• Is there room for compromise with your mother?
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• What can you tell yourself to feel ok with setting your boundaries, and holding firm with them, where your mother is concerned?
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