Joan Jerkovich - June 30, 2014 7:00 am
Why do I have so many failed relationships?*
You ask why? Here are some possible reasons, and I’m guessing you will find your answer in more than one of these.
Too Hot and Fast. A fire that burns too hot will burn out fast. The same often goes for the romance that runs on speed dial. The foundation of true connection didn’t have time to smolder and lay a base of deep coals to keep the fires burning.
Fairy Tales are for Books, Not Relationships. If you start hearing yourself say your new love is perfect, it’s time for your Fairy Godmother to wave her magic wand and wake you up from your dream. We all have our flaws and it’s better to wake up to that fact early in your relationship before you get a dog, house and kid together. Some flaws you can live with, some you can’t.
The Mask Comes Off. It takes about six months for a person to let their guard down and take the mask of social charm off. Only then will you see the real person hidden beneath the mask. Then the character flaws and personality quirks show up, and the true nature of your true love makes its appearance. When the mask comes off, put on your reading glasses and take a good hard look at whether or not this relationship it right for you.
Ghosts and Goblins. Once you step inside a new relationship, you might find hiding in the closet the ghosts and goblins that will haunt you. These are the ghosts of unresolved emotional baggage such as a traumatic past relationship or traumatic childhood that remains a haunting, slimy mess. Consider this, how many spooks do you have to uncover to run away scared from this relationship? Boo!
Lazy Cat. Oh, they were so romantic in the beginning, but now their idea of romance is spending the evening on the couch, with the remote or video game controller in hand. And, they expect you to deliver the snacks on a silver platter because they’re too lazy to get them for themselves! Hot romance has turned into hot mess. You get the picture.
What Did You Say? No, you aren’t going crazy or hearing voices in your head. You know lying when you hear it. Lies are like rats and cockroaches. Once you see one, you know there are more hiding in the corners and crevices of your new love’s life. A liar, is a liar, is a liar. One lie multiplies into many. Trust is destroyed and lying is usually the hallmark of deeper character flaws. Take my word for it and put out the rat poison. You don’t want this in your life.
Emotional Black Hole. It looked so enticing and exciting while standing on the edge of your universe looking in. But, once you stepped inside, you found yourself in an emotional black hole. Everyone has their emotional set point. An emotional set point can range from someone who gets hysterical and over-the-top passionate about a lettuce leaf; to someone who is deadpan and unreactive unless there’s a nuclear bomb going off! You can live life on the edge or hiding under the covers. The choice is yours. But, don’t think you’re ever going to change either personality type by much more than two degrees in either direction. And even that small amount of change will take lots of nagging and disappointment. Do you really want to go there? Accept that their emotional set point is pretty much set in stone and save yourself the grief of trying to spark them up or settle them down.
Who Made You the Boss of Me? All of the sudden, out of nowhere, you get blindsided by the new “boss” in your life. This is where you are presented the “relationship manual” that gives you instructions on how to live your life, what friends you can and can’t have, and the general policies and procedures for how to change to better yourself. All for your own good, of course! If critical and controlling attitudes step up to take charge of you and your life, how long will it take for you to realize that this isn’t the job you applied for? These “jobs” rarely get better, they only get worse, so consider handing in your notice.
*This question was dropped in my box at the KSAL for Women’s Only Event. Send me your questions then watch for the answers at ksal.com!
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